Heresy at the _Herald_

Dear Dr. Bones,

I don't believe I have ever yet troubled you to make a memorandumb about something scribbled in the inimitable, hopefully, Herald of Louisedayhicksville. De minimis non currit lex, though, so let's make an exception for this gem

The cool quotient By Boston Herald Editorial Staff | Thursday, May 24, 2012 | http://www.bostonherald.com | Editorials Hipsters who want to party until 5 a.m. have the luxury of whining about Boston’s early-closings and regulatory red tape from the safety of their living rooms, their loft offices or their DJ booths.  But big-city mayors like Tom Menino have to trouble themselves with other inconveniences — say, for example, shootings and stabbings.  Let’s keep that in mind as the mayor absorbs criticism from a group looking to transform the Hub into something more Brooklyn than Brookhaven. Now, we must acknowledge that Boston doesn’t exactly roll out the red carpet for late-night partiers or hip new businesses. The fact that much of the city’s nightlife is governed by a Licensing Board that won’t let Fenway Park ... hawk beer in the grandstands sort of says it all. And we understand why some entrepreneurs might feel the bureaucratic red tape is reserved for them, assuming they aren’t politically connected. As for Menino’s claim to have hired lots of young people for city jobs, well, that doesn’t quite make him one of the Cool Kids. But the inconvenient truth is that some pesky regulations exist for a reason. Take the three-day suspension of Cure Lounge over a license violation last weekend, which has prompted some of the current whining.  The club is located in the Theater District, which has served in recent years as the scene of after-hours mayhem.  Four people were shot at 2 a.m. outside a pair of nightclubs (not Cure) last November, while a promising hip-hop artist was murdered in March 2011 after another club let out. The “Footloose” jokes aside, the fact that Cure violated its license by serving as a de facto dance club raised legitimate concern. License crackdowns are one way to keep the public safe. The new “Future Boston Alliance” claims it wants Boston to become “a city that says yes more than it says no” and that actually sounds terrific to us.  But they’ll have to campaign for more than 24-hour gyms and, like, just letting the kids dance to keep our attention. Article URL: http://www.bostonherald.com/news/opinion/editorials/view.bg?articleid=1061133837

before we think of making a rule.

Observing various limitations on character codes that the BH fruits an’ babes impose,--I think to keep out crimmigrants an’ other ‘pesky’ Spaniards--Paddy and Eye replied as follows:

Will wunners never cease? The fruits of the Jay School an' frathouse babes sure appear to be scribblin' AGAINST the Class interests of their employin' Corporation's Venerable Funders. Imagine all the breakfast tables of Louisedayhicksville wakin' up an' havin' to face brazen betrayal before they've finished the second cup of coffee: "Look, MA, here is the _Herald_ sayin' NO to goodvolks whose only offense is to wanna make a buck or tw[enny mill]. Sidin' with 'Mumbles', almost. Why, the treacherous ratfinks even claim that "some pesky regulations exist for a reason"! That sounds just like faculty-lounge Lizzie , the seegar-store [*] perfesser! Next thing you know, there will be discouragin' words 'bout Baincapitalism in general. WHO can you really TRUST nowadays?" More specifically, if Paddy and Eye was El Fantasma gastronomico (RABA, http://j.mp/JesRWx, "the Fant-'em Grrrrrmay") we'd be thinkin' dark thoughts of arsenic an' old fishwrap about now. 'Tis not so easy, though, to 'phant volks who have taken the elementary precaution of not signin' their names to their treason. John Hancock would NOT be proud of the fruits an' the babes. Perhaps, though, one should not limbaugh to judgment. Possibly the _Herald_ angels are just havin' one of those "Mush from the Wimp" moments, http://j.mp/JEVRWP, that could happen to anybooby. Happy days. _____ [*] http://j.mp/KAjyzA

As you see, the LDHV censorship will pass asterisks and underscores and URL's. What it balks at automatically includes at least (A) the twin ¿criminalien? ¡fiesta! inversions, and (B) both rough and smooth breathings if done ‘properly’ rather than with the apostrophe or ''single quote.'' Evidently the Venerable Funders don't want their organ to look like ancient Attica any more than like modern Boca Grande.  Moreover, (C) ALL flat-out diacritics are rejected.

Rejection means that the whightware pretends not to see the whole article in which the offendin’ foreignism occurs.

Though a great nuisance to smugglers like Paddy and Eye, this plan does make good sense from the Classmates’ perspective. Any peanut-gallery peanut who uses one of the litteræ prohibitæ in the ordinary course of scribbling is highly likely to be a Bad Poor to whom their freelordships would naturally prefer not to loan a soapbox. Accordin'ly, no attempt is made to indicate exactly what is unwhighteous about the text submitted. Their freelordships do not care to hear from Don Jùan [1] an’ Doña Linda at all, so it would be ridiulous for them to waste time tryin’, as it were, to improve their e-accent.

Though not actually aimed at the insufferably educated, it must manage to keep most of us out as well, for ¿Who among us thinks it worthwhile to waste a lot of grown-up time trying to get through to Louisedayhicksville?

Happy days.
--JHM

_____
[1]  A puzzle:  writing in Spanish, ¿how would one indicate that the heroic name is to be pronounced Lord Byron's way rather than Señor Cervantes’?